Post by: Hank in WV on December 31, 2015, 09:45:04 PM
> turned out
> to be an optical Aleutian.
Post by: One Shot on January 01, 2016, 03:54:13 AM
Post by: Roaddog on January 01, 2016, 07:30:44 AM
Post by: Two Steps on January 01, 2016, 08:06:58 AM
Post by: greyhunter on January 01, 2016, 05:15:33 PM
Post by: Hank in WV on January 01, 2016, 10:02:24 PM
stationery.
Post by: Uncle Russ on January 01, 2016, 10:43:22 PM
Quote from: "Two Steps"
Hank, Hank, Hank... :roll eyesWhat Al seez.......x2
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Hank in WV on January 02, 2016, 09:45:25 PM
hit me
Post by: Uncle Russ on January 03, 2016, 12:51:17 PM
Uncle Russ...
Post by: trent/OH on January 05, 2016, 10:43:06 PM
Post by: Uncle Russ on January 06, 2016, 01:17:36 AM
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Hank in WV on January 06, 2016, 05:23:58 PM
seasoned veteran
Post by: Uncle Russ on January 06, 2016, 09:21:32 PM
Uncle Russ..
Post by: Buzzard on January 07, 2016, 10:00:08 AM
Post by: Hank in WV on January 07, 2016, 05:19:22 PM
Post by: Uncle Russ on January 31, 2016, 05:52:35 PM
-Don't worry about old age, it doesn't last long.
-Velcro.....what a rip off!
-The Health Clinic had me down as Type A Blood, but that was a typo.
-I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
-Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
-I know a guy who's addicted to brake-fluid, but he insists he can stop anytime.
-I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
-This very attractive lady from the Vegetarian Club said she recognized me, but I never met herbivore.
-England has no Kidney Bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Hank in WV on February 01, 2016, 06:40:10 AM
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
> Blownapart.
Post by: Uncle Russ on February 01, 2016, 12:17:08 PM
Quote from: "Hank in WV"
:Doh! And you talked about me. :applaud :rotf :rotf
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Hank in WV on February 02, 2016, 06:02:39 AM
> medium at large.
Post by: RonC on February 03, 2016, 09:38:32 PM
She chews tobacco but she won't choose me.
There ain't been no trash in my trailer since the night I threw you out.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.
Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Ron
Post by: Hank in WV on February 03, 2016, 09:55:13 PM
Post by: RonC on February 03, 2016, 10:03:56 PM
Ron
Post by: Uncle Russ on February 03, 2016, 11:21:08 PM
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Fletcher on February 05, 2016, 07:41:37 PM
You get it from your kids
Post by: Hank in WV on February 07, 2016, 09:59:06 PM
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
Post by: Uncle Russ on February 08, 2016, 04:04:28 PM
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Hank in WV on February 09, 2016, 05:45:11 AM
lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Post by: Uncle Russ on February 11, 2016, 10:05:45 PM
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Uncle Russ...
Post by: RonC on February 11, 2016, 11:23:56 PM
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
The wife was counting all the dimes and quarters out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
Years ago, I was speaking with a fellow who served in the Army in WW I. The man survived mustard gas and pepper spray and became a seasoned veteran.
Post by: Uncle Russ on February 12, 2016, 12:50:01 AM
All good ones!
Thanks RonC, for these words of wit!
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Uncle Russ on February 12, 2016, 12:53:51 AM
... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Uncle Russ...
Post by: RonC on February 12, 2016, 10:10:29 AM
It's great to start a day with some laughs!
Ron
Post by: Hank in WV on February 12, 2016, 09:51:53 PM
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES
THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME
WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE
BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM
MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE
OFFERINGS...
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR
COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS
ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
Post by: Uncle Russ on February 12, 2016, 10:03:02 PM
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Fletcher on February 14, 2016, 05:57:36 PM
The church we went to in Auburn when we lived there had a day
care center. Above the door was posted 1 Cor 15:51 " ... we shall not
all sleep, but we shall be changed "
Post by: RonC on February 17, 2016, 03:31:57 PM
Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Ron
Post by: Uncle Russ on February 17, 2016, 03:58:25 PM
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Bigsmoke on February 17, 2016, 04:14:22 PM
Post by: Hank in WV on February 17, 2016, 04:59:18 PM
Quote from: "RonC"
People are so inconsiderate these days.
Neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that….2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Ron
Sorry for knockin on your door at that time of the mornin Ron, but I thought someone was killin a pig.
Post by: Spotted Bull on February 17, 2016, 05:07:06 PM
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Post by: Bigsmoke on February 17, 2016, 06:31:06 PM
Post by: Hank in WV on February 17, 2016, 09:52:29 PM
Post by: Bigsmoke on February 24, 2016, 12:31:03 PM
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Post by: RonC on February 24, 2016, 12:45:23 PM
Ron
Post by: Uncle Russ on March 13, 2016, 01:01:20 PM
It's a bit long, but the day is early, and this might make it a little bit better if ya start with a good chuckle.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Uncle Russ...
Post by: RonC on March 13, 2016, 06:02:58 PM
Thank you, Sir!
Ron
Post by: trent/OH on April 20, 2016, 07:43:29 PM
.
.
.
.
Amal Shookup
Post by: Fletcher on April 21, 2016, 08:39:20 PM
Not a lot to do, but I try to get out bow and arrow shooting. (Guns are not a good idea for an out-of-stater)
So I have been going to this range and meeting nice folk - and several have been somewhat marveled that
I am shooting primitive bows. I told them I also like to hunt with them. A group asked me to go with them and I said sure. Then I noticed a nice Mexican guy kind of down in the dumps. I said "Would you like to go hunting with us ?" He says "Si Senor - but I do not Habenero !"
Post by: Bigsmoke on April 21, 2016, 09:30:20 PM
Oh groan!!!
John
Post by: RonC on April 21, 2016, 10:05:21 PM
A Latin American magician told his audience he would completely disappear at the count of three.
"Uno, dos," POOF!
He vanished without a tres.
Post by: Ironhand on April 22, 2016, 12:52:13 AM
1 Billiegrahm
Ironhand
Post by: Fletcher on April 22, 2016, 01:29:26 PM
But you all know me by now :toast
Post by: windwalker_au on June 08, 2016, 08:05:25 AM
Bernie
Post by: Hank in WV on December 03, 2016, 09:44:49 PM
The other replies, "Yes, I think its the wicker furniture."
Post by: Bigsmoke on December 03, 2016, 10:05:21 PM
Quote from: "Fletcher"
Thanks Bigsmoke and I assure sure that is all true up to last last sentence....
But you all know me by now :toast
Hey, did I miss your trip through?
Or have you made it yet?
Post by: Fletcher on December 05, 2016, 07:40:50 PM
head home March 1 - winding up here in SOCAL - ready to go home
Post by: Mad Irish Jack on February 25, 2017, 11:32:21 AM
Post by: trent/OH on March 13, 2017, 09:04:29 PM
Post by: Hank in WV on March 13, 2017, 10:00:00 PM
Post by: Uncle Russ on March 13, 2017, 11:12:26 PM
I won't be able to go.
Uncle Russ...
Post by: Ironhand on March 14, 2017, 12:59:04 AM
IronHand
Post by: Uncle Russ on March 14, 2017, 02:45:06 AM
Quote from: "Ironhand"
It will all come out right in the end.
IronHand
Yep, normally always does, but I still can't go.
Uncle Russ...